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In which I reflect on the last 13 years

2013-05-01 12:44 a.m.

Just your biennial "OMG this blog is so old and dated" post. I started this blog 13 years ago. I was 20, enrolled in my first Bachelor's degree program at Wayne State and with a person I thought I would marry.

I am now 33, single for over 10 years, have two Bachelor's degrees, two jobs, new friends, and about 80 more pounds on me.

When I read these old entries, I realize that my spirit is mostly the same. It's had a few dings: being dumped, losing what I thought were friends-for-life, my mother's death, a failed attempt at a new career. I feel joy at simple things a bit less often, but not any less intensely. I have new and challenging responsibilities that make me feel relevant in a way that a 20 year old can't possibly fathom. Geeky things still make me deliriously happy, even if it's for a few moments less.

I seek connection and hate abandonment (or percieved abandonment) just as much as I did when I was a kid, but accept lack of communication more readily than I used to, probably because I am just as guilty of it as the people I used to loathe for doing it.

I still expect a high level of friendship from people I am close to, and therefore am still constantly disapponted when friends fail to meet my expectations.

I have accepted my role as a cog. Maybe I'm a tad shinier or made of slightly tougher material, but I won't be running the world. I'll leave you with a quote from my newly declared, "favorite song of the last five years, at least". "I was raised up believing I was somehow unique. Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see. and now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be a functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me." - Fleet Foxes, "Helplessness Blues"

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