| Death and Love 2010-08-29 10:53 p.m. I think my latest love affair was so devastating because it is inextricably tied to my mother's death. The week after my mother died, I began the heroic and ultimately unsuccessful next semester of my second Bachelor's degree. This semester was monumental in several ways. It was when I first realized that the degree depended on a branch of science I was terrible at, but wouldn't really matter in my career. Three deaths, cancer, and the combination of organic chemistry and calculus killed my dreams of working in a lab. It was also the first time that I realized that I was weak. There were things I just couldn't do; couldn't get over. It was in this atmosphere of pain, weakness and vulnerability (and the second semester of this horrible year) where I fell in love for the first time in five years. His shitty attitude, smart ass behavior and recent total emotional destruction drew me in, and before I knew it, it was too late. We were fast friends, me paying his bar tabs and defending him to classmates; him mocking my intelligence that he obviously admired and making lewd remarks I could barely sputter replies to. This whole time, I was struggling through classes that kept me up 24 hours a day. I'd show up to our class and fall asleep on my desk wearing yesterday's clothes and use my limited charm and writing skill to eloquently excuse my rude behavior. Soon enough, the class was all about the hours afterward. The drinking, the hanging out. The crowds of near strangers on my porch. The long conversations about heartbreak, awkwardness and dreams. He broke my heart three times. Believe me, it should have only taken once. But something about that science I don't understand, chemistry, kept me coming back for more. I am just now beginning to understand the nature of this odd four and a half year period of my life, where I have pined for the most unavailable man I have ever known. Where I have cursed him, cried nearly as many tears as I did for my beloved mom, and loved him, all at the same time. I am unwilling to let him go entirely because he made me feel like no other person has made me feel. Smart, beautiful, worth something. Yet, because of him, it has taken me years to crawl away from the despair he has caused in my life. I bite my lip to keep from thinking of him, to keep from making him important again. Clay Crush Level: Today I Saw: The Weather is: |
