| Out with it 2005-11-01 5:30 a.m. So. It's been awhile. And for the first time in my life, I have a good reason for being apprehensive about writing here. I'm sure everyone who reads this thing knows that my mom died on September 6th. I think I'll be sorting out my emotions for the rest of my life. Right now, I'm in the "I need to live my life" stage. It's certainly not denial, but it's not total acceptance either. I don't know. I don't live at home anymore and haven't for a few years now, so not seeing my mom had become a part of my life. So when I'm in class, or at work, I don't feel her absence. When I see a funny movie, or think about Clay's upcoming Christmas tour, that's when it hits me: I can't call her up and tell her these things. I can't inundate her with information from my anatomy and physiology class, I can't argue with her about fashion. Christmas will certainly suck ass this year, that's for sure. I know I'm not the only one in my family considering changing all of our traditions. Christmas breakfast? It's nothing without pushing Mom out of the kitchen because she insists upon helping. Christmas Eve? It'll be just Dad and I, something I don't think he can bear. Another phenomenon of grief that I've been experiencing is the flashback. Sometimes, when I'm almost asleep, or I've zoned out in the office, I will be overwhelmed by an image of the recent past. The last two months of my Mom's life were...let's not mince words...horrible. They were full of pain and fear. So my brain has plenty to choose from. I think I've done a decent job dealing with this particular aspect, but it hasn't kept them from coming on. I just wish I'd have pleasant memories flood back. For me, an adult child of someone who has died, it feels like life has changed just slightly. Now don't get me wrong; my mom was VERY important to me. We were friends. But as far as daily life, I can almost manage a day without thinking about her. And that, is weird too. Because I know that my Dad misses her every second of every day with every fiber of his being. It is just hard to measure "missing". I haven't been to her grave and I'm not sure when and if I will. I'm sure my dad wants me to, but I'm not ready to be a sobbing wreck in public again. So, I know this wasn't an exciting read, but now maybe I'll write more that I've crossed this bridge. The bridge where I say, "My mom has died". Kelly Clay Crush Level: Doesn't seem appropriate for this entry...maybe next time. Today I Saw: The UGL for...oh man 12 hours straight The Weather is: Nice. Fallish |
