So I went downstairs to find everyone still in PJs eating various yummy breakfast foods. There were Krispy Kremes, so it was almost like Clay was there, except for the fact that none of us had penises, I think. We all lounged about, preparing for our big day of Broadfest and Concert. Kat also suggested that we may want to watch Odin's favorite DVD; The Cat Baby-sitter. So, of course we had to put it in.

It basically consists of small animals that a cat might like to kill, running around the screen. There are squirrels in the park with messed up tales; parrots at a pet store who are occasionally disturbed by a disembodied hand feeding them peanuts and rodents of some kind (there was a debate about this) running around in the small confines of their cage. All very entertaining, but still not quite enough to make Odin brave the 8 cooing women.

One by one we all showered and got suited up. I decided to be on the conservative side and left my purple mardi gras beads back at home. I did, however, wear my lei, pacifier/butt plug, two press passes, pukka shell belt, purple shoes, bird pin, Clay Aiken turkey thong and Clay Aiken concert t-shirt. My hair went up successfully thanks to Robin's recommendation for Garnier Fructis Shake Effect. I even put on make-up! So I basically looked like a fat Alan Cumming.

When I was finished getting ready, Erin busted out the fake tattoos.

In true sick fuck style, she had purchased them from the Dollar Store, so the designs were decidedly weird. It was determined that since my pants were low and I will do almost anything, that I was to wear the giant bird tattoo on my lower hip. I laid on the floor and Robin applied pressure with the wet wash cloth. Unfortch, neither of us remembered to remove the plastic, so I had to settle for a grouping of the weirdest vines and words I could find. It was only later that I realized how low the tats were. Literally two inches from my pubes. Noone's been that close to those in over two years...

At some point during all of this, Kat's friend Brandi showed up. It was her first time meeting all of us, and frankly I was worried for her. But her deadpan sense of humor and willingness to go along with the insanity made her fit right in. I made sure she fit in with the lunatics by affixing a tat on her ankle. At the time I was really worried that she might have been uncomfortable with me messing with her leg, but she seemed happy with the tat, so I guess not.

Kat left and came back with a giant van. At first we were calling it the church bus, but after awhile it seemed more apt to call it a prison van.

We all piled in and headed off to toward the Broadfest. But everyone was hungry and so (unbeknownst to me, apparently) it was decided that Applebee's was acceptable. As Kat maneuvered the 12 passenger van into a parking spot, I bellowed "Applebee's! I FUCKING HATE APPLEBEE'S!" Groans were heard throughout the van and I acquiesced, mostly because I was the dumbass that wasn't listening to a single word anyone said and the fact that finding another restaurant with good parking looked difficult.

As it turns out, my chicken something-or-other at Applebee's was fairly good. The conversation, of course was much better. When asked what the occasion was, the whole table stared at their placemats and muttered. Robin then spoke up and said, "A baby-shower!" Hilarious and mysterious laughter ensued. I'm sure our waitress was really looking forward to serving us.

Later, Brandi had a bit of a silverware problem:

Melissa and I had been doing the "Buuutse" voice since we first arrived, but at Applebee's a new in joke was born. While perusing the drink menu, she said, "Buutse, you want a mudslide, eh?" We made eye contact, and the connotations of the mudslide became clear. The world has never been the same.

On a related note: During our first evening at Kat's, Erin and Robin told us about a show they had seen about a half man half chimpanzee creature called the "Manzee". This creature seemed to be created just for our little group of people and so any opportunity to describe ourselves, say as a "raging manzee" for instance was exploited to it's full degree. Also note: While my barbecue was fantastic, I did, in fact, lose one chicken breast to the ground. Kat thought I should be honest. So yes, food was lost.

Onward.

After our meal, we drove in the torrential rain to OH Cindy's house, where the Broadfest was taking place. We went in the front door of her beautiful and large home, only to be bombarded by Broads. Wendy couldn't even make it past the foyer. We're fucking famous, y'all! We grabbed our name tags, chatted and looked at pictures of Clayton. I imbibed a little wine and grabbed up some gorgeous magnets that now live happily on my refrigerator. Mare and Pam were quite a hoot and I'm glad we all talked. Pictures were posed for and gushing was done. A Broadfest well-executed.

When it came time to leave, we all realized that it was raining even harder than when we had arrived. Someone had the brilliant idea to take off our shoes and run for it. So that's what we did. The whole soggy lot of us made it to the van alive, and set out toward the Aiken.

Stay tuned for Part Four.