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Vegas Broadfest Part Zwei

2004-04-05 4:18 p.m.

Dear Diary,

After leaving our bags in the seemingly incapable hands of the Westward Ho, we ventured inside the casino. There was the promise of $.99 margaritas, which, for chicks like us was enough to brave the seedy place. We found the margarita bar, and lo and behold�$.99 margaritas! A total of $9.00 for 6 drinks later (some of the snobby bitches I was with couldn't bear to have a plain margarita and it cost them more) we sat down at the bar and sipped away.

Soon, we noticed a totally insane woman (who I SWEAR I saw last time I was in Vegas) playing the slots. She had her little swipe card instead of money and she was "smoothing" the screen with her fingers while the "rollers" were "spinning". I'm sure she heard us mocking her because soon after the cackling began, she left. Either that or we were dampening her mojo. Something.

So, I sat down at the machine, slid my dollar into Texas Tea and proceeded to make it up to $2.50 and then lose it. Just so you know, this was a penny slot. The type of machine I was desperate to find on my last trip. For awhile there, I tried my hand at "smoothing", but I didn't have my chicken head in my pocket so my dollar was soon gone.

I could see a gleam in Leah's eye. I looked at her and asked, "You wanna play?" She grudgingly admitted that she did and demanded that I explain how. I did. She sat down with all of us surrounding her, guiding her. She kept getting the special Oil Drilling screen and ended up winning $24.99. Bitch. After suffering through twenty minutes of indecent armadillo dancing, the two old women with the proper keys arrived, awarded her money and left. Everyone cheered. Except me. I berated her with, "Grrrr. I hate you!!!" until she said, "Do you want me to give you the money?" I replied sheepishly, "No." and then shut my bitchy mouth.

Jan arrived sometime during the slot winning and ordered a shitty margarita of her own. Unfortunately, we did not see her do so, otherwise we would have warned her that it would turn her tongue into a dried sponge. That and suck the moisture out of her entire body. Sigh. Word of Melissa and Gates' arrival spread and we ran outside to meet them. The arrived in a garish minivan instead of a rental car, as planned, due to some asshattery at the rental place. A scarlet haired Melissa got out and we converged on her, hugging her and touching her hair. Gates was next. A calm in the center of the Broad storm. She accepted our hugs and greetings. Little did we know what adventures lie ahead for Gates. I presented Melissa with a keychain that said STUD in green bubble letters to commemorate her blanket nickname for all of us.

It was quickly determined that we were all going to eat our feet if we didn't get food (I would have chosen my feet over anything the HO had to offer, however), so we started trucking down (or is that up? Who the fuck knows?) the strip.

This journey would make me realized that I should have worn my sandals after all. I whined until Erin yelled at me to take off the socks and stuff them in my bra. "Heh Heh. Feel Me up Elmo!" After much bitching, we ended up settling for the lunch buffet at Frontier. It was late in the day for the buffet, so the food was a little old, but still definitely edible. As usual, I had trouble and caused Audra to nearly give birth because of my antics. Picture, if you will, this: Me, with plate in one hand, attempting to load a hard shell taco with shredded chicken. I, being apparently motor skills deficient, release the tongs too soon and break the shell with the spring-loaded power of the tongs. Twice. I go back to the table, defeated with a pile of chicken and shards of taco shells on my plate.

Audra then informs me, through tears of amusement, "You know, they had soft shells too, right?"

"WHAT!?" I shriek, "Why didn't you tell me!?"

"You seemed so determined".

The mashed potatoes at this place were, shall we say, a little tough. "Modelin' Taters" if you will. All eyes shifted to Leah, creator of clay Clay. She was coerced into creating Tater!Clay! with pea eyes. Unfortunately, I was in the john (TM Dan the Man), when Tater!Clay! was photographed. Apparently, the waitress had to be prevented from taking him and his plate away before the picture was snapped. Also, a collective "awwwwwwwwwww" was sent up when Tater!Clay! was unveiled.

It's fucking sunny in Las Vegas, thus the reason for our next stops in seedy t-shirt and souvenir shops. Leah and I found shirts we actually wanted, but had to pick out two more to get the four for $10 deal. Here's what we picked to round out the deal:

NO ONE wanted to take the purple shirt off my hands because they found it disturbing. As I would prove later, I couldn't wear either of them and was lucky to get them back off my fat ass torso. I hope to God no one took my picture in the yellow one because I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.

Stay tuned for the next installment where there will be:

*Fun at Walgreens

*Chirping Smoke Alarms

*A visit to the airport

*Gonzalez y Gonzalez

Kelly

9 comments so far

Clay Crush Level: I'm liking the Peppermint Pattie Hair

Today I Saw: Maggie with puke on her leg

The Weather is: Seems sunny...I'm a bum and have yet to leave the house.

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