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Three Virgins Tooling Around

2003-08-08 3:42 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Another super fun evening that is worth the recount.

I met up with Jennifer and Tina at Jennifer�s sister�s house after work. We sat around for a little while watching a Lifetime movie with Jennifer�s mom and then Jennifer said, �Tina, tell her what your idea is�. And Tina said, �No, you!� And Jennifer said, �Fine. Bowling.� And I said, �Yeah!!�

So we drove down to Fairlanes Bowl where they have a special $.99 a game rate, and rented some ugly shoes. I am pretty comfortable with the fact that I have giant feet so I went ahead and asked for women�s size 11. Jennifer looked at me in horror and asked for a men�s 9. �What�s the difference?� I said. �Well, would you rather have a 9 or an 11 on the back of your shoe?� Case closed.

Next, we all went to pick our bowling balls. This is always fun for me, because I have big hands, but cannot support the weight of a 14 pound ball. Tina and Jennifer have small fingers, so they had more luck than I did. I entered our names into the electronic score keeper (T Cat, Jalsup and Kelly Do) and we were off.

Of course we bowled terribly. But it was fun. Jennifer told us about the lines from this hip hop song that just made us double over in laughter. �And I was like, so I�m drunk� that�s one of the lines. We kept saying it over and over with different inflections. Asshatty fun! The next line was, �runnin� her hands through my fro�. This is always to be accompanied by a gesture that looks like running a hand through a fro.

Game one and two of playing bowling (this is what Jennifer called it in a moment of foreign exchange studentitude) were fun�but game three was pure hilarity. Jennifer had not done so well in 1 and 2 and she had plans to remedy it. She wandered off mysteriously to the ball rack and returned with TWO balls. �Why two?� I asked. �This big one�s for strikes. And this 6 pounder is for clean up.� PURE F�N CLASSIC! And so she uses this 14 pound ball and what happens? First turn�.strike! Oh man was she proud of herself. So when my turn rolled around�I used �Houseball�. Nearly broke my freaking wrist with it. Imagine that skit from SNL where the weightlifter goes to pick up the barbell and his arms come off�

Tina tries the 14 pounder and has to use two hands. And then she dropped it. I almost peed my pants. Truthfully, the clean-up ball worked quite nice even though it felt and sounded like a light bulb.

After bowling, we decided dessert was in order since lifting bowling balls is such hard work. We head off to Baskin Robin�s/Dunkin Donuts where you can get ice cream, donuts, breakfast sandwiches and bagels. I decided to go the ice cream route as did Tina. Jennifer got a bagel. We thought we were done. And so we headed out to the car. After sitting there for five minutes, we all decided that we had to pee. Back in we went and waited in line for the single stall bathroom. While Tina was in the bathroom, Jennifer and I hatched a plan. We both wanted breakfast sandwiches. We would propose that Tina get one too so that we wouldn�t have to wallow in our fatness alone. She came out and I proposed. She agreed. I ordered three breakfast sandwiches and we eagerly and shamefully awaited them. Out they came. Quickly paid and ran out the door. I was content to enjoy my sandwich in the car parked in front of the store, but Jennifer and Tina were worried about the clerk seeing us. So when he came out for a cigarette break, I threw that puppy into reverse and sped off, without my lights on.

We parked in the Blockbuster parking lot to finish our Shame Sandwiches. Jennifer had flaming ham stick to her face and promised to sue. Upon finishing, we drove off toward Royal Oak. This portion of the evening is what I like to call Three Virgins Tooling around. This basically consists of us making crude jokes, staring at other people in the cars next to us and declaring strange and ugly men our husbands. We were having laughing fits, but I believe I almost killed Jennifer when I said, �Hey did you guys know that if you supersize your meal at Arby�s they give you 4 potato cakes?� Jennifer did what I call a death rattle, as she was drinking water at the time. Tina said, when she could breathe, �I love how you were so right in assuming that I would need to know that information.�

Once in Royal Oak, we found a nice cozy bench to sit on in front of a church. People walk by, we comment on them when they are out of earshot. This is what three virgins do on a Thursday night. Jennifer decided that because I like skinny guys (i.e. Ichabods) that my dream guy would have long hair tied up in a ribbon, rickets and scurvy. Yum hottie hot! We had push fights on the front of the church lawn. There will be pictures.

Now the best portion of the evening. You see just up the street a little is a restaurant that is sort of a gay man hangout. They all had to walk by us to get to their cars. This was planned by the way. Well, we�re just sitting there, making up bench dances when these two drunken gay dudes stop in front of us.

�Hey ladies! How are you tonight?�

�Good�

�Let�s get a roll call here! What�s your name?�

Tina hides in her hair.

�Come on!�

Tina blushes

�Ok fine. Your name�s Cleave, because you have cleavage.�

They moved on to me, and I told them my name was Candi. Sometimes I am quick on my feet. Jennifer told them her real name. They thought it wasn�t cool enough so she became Bubbles. They ambled on. Oh did I mention that one of the guys still had a glass glass from the bar. Well he didn�t for long because he broke it on the sidewalk.

Cleave�.too fricking funny! Poor Tina was so embarrassed. Poor me was speechless with laughter. That stuff never happens to me because I am sitting in front of my computer all day�.

Kelly

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